Losing our baby

So here we are a week and half after the day we'll likely never forget about when one day we have a healthy baby measuring 15 weeks and the next we're saying goodbye. The worst part is perhaps not knowing what caused it which will forever leave us wondering if it is something we could have avoided. I cant help but to wonder why this happened to us and perhaps, that is the number one question I'd like to understand one day. I am a firm believer that things usually happen for a good reason and that beyond all measures, I am not in control- God is. I understand and rely heavily on my faith to get me through the rough times and this was no different.

Miscarriage is an awful word used to indicate someone losing their child. Regardless of how far along you are, it is devastating and weakening to the soul. You question everything, right down to your faith. I've been on countless blogs reading about how people have coped with this and how they get through it. I'm finding more and more that it is so unfortunate that the people who are capable of caring, loving and supporting a child deal with this type of loss more often than it is spoken.

While at the hospital, we encountered kindness that is rare in a hospital, nurses sat and cried with us and held our hand as we tried to understand. We met one nurse in particular who helped us heal tremendously in sharing her story of loss with us- the sincerity and gratitude in her words were like a magic potion, it changed our perspective immediately. When you experience something like this, the idea of trying to have another baby seems torturous, the thought of experiencing this again is unbearable to think about. But that night that we spent in the hospital was an awakening, the words we heard from that nurse were healing to the soul- we had hope.

Coming home to Mason was everything we needed, we hugged him close and tight and prayed with him. We kissed him and thanked God for this amazing miracle we have of holding a healthy, happy and loving son.

Even as we try to go back to normal, thoughts of our baby linger in the air, we want to forget the situation but never the memory of a baby angel who was called before taking the first breath.

Letters to Mason: Mason-13 & 14 Months

After Mason turned one, I decided to back off a little from writing these entries on a monthly basis, mostly because I was starting to feel the stress of not getting to them on time and having enough material to fill in an entire post. Rather than doing them monthly, I will mostly make updates relevant to our life and of course, our babies.

Mason is now 14 months and he has changed a lot, for instance, he now demands to do certain things, he elects what books he wants us to read to him and lets us know in the best of tantrums if that is not acceptable or up to his expectations. It's cute- most of the time. 

Mason loves books, we have been reading to this little guy since he was born and I never thought that it would eventually cause him to be obsessed with books. I do feel a bit of gratification because one of my goals of reading to him daily was so that he would one day love to read. I place so much value in not just reading but loving to read because in this day and age where everything is about electronics and quick access, people just don't seem to have the time anymore to pick up a good book and read a few chapters. I'm hoping that by doing so, I'm turning Mason into a bit of a book worm. Hopefully I'll be able to do the same thing with our next baby. 

He's playfull! Tiff says that she thinks Mason has my sense of humor- likes to joke around, poke at people, make people laugh, attention driven. Mason will look at you and if you're laughing, he'll assume you're laughing at something he did and he will just burst out into major cackles. He loves attention (Tiff says that's me too- ::eye roll::) and he loves receiving hugs or kisses or simply, just someone next to him playing with whatever he's playing with at the time. 

Affectionate. Mason loves his family, he is extremely attached to Tiff, myself and the two grandmothers (Mita and Nana). He will often cry if one of us leaves the room. If he ever becomes unsure of someone or a situation he will usually come up to one of us and cling onto our leg. He seeks our attention and love and we all eat it up. He gives open mouth kisses and makes a humming sound along with it, he gives hugs and likes to play with our hair and hands while he's drinking and relaxing on us. 

Mason is a routine driven little man, when you disrupt it, you better realize its going to be a day for the books. As flexible as we've made him with all the traveling he still needs his naps and comfort milk and bottles. He does well with adjusting to different nap times and places but we are still struggling with getting a nap routine going. We cant help but to think that because he's not in day care and he goes to two different places during the week, that consistency tends to go out the window because we do different things at both places. 

We are so blessed for our life and our gifts and the Lord has blessed this house with incredible happiness. Our life is now all about our family and how to spend time together. Now that we're expecting another little baby we are settling on the idea that we have about 6 to 7 months on Mason being alone with us. I want to give Mason his time with us but I also think about the fact that our second child will never have that alone time with mom and dad and I wonder if that is the major difference between the oldest child and the rest of the children. It must have a difference in the way they think or operate. Either way, Mason will be too young to probably remember that he was ever an only child. Perhaps, this is the best way to do it. 

We found out the gender recently and we plan to wait to announce it because we want to let the holiday season pass. We are excited about our growing family!

Mason is ONE!

I remember about two weeks after we brought Mason home from the hospital I began to think about the day he would turn one. I remember this because as a new parent you worry constantly and you feel that somehow, if you can survive the first year, everything will be "okay". In a way, this is true. With Mason we were quick at learning what worked and what did not; by the time the first month had passed we were on a routine and we knew that, although exhausted, we were making it work.
By month three, we felt like champions! Sleeping 4 consecutive hours at a time (the life); things were going back to a semi normal state, Mason was being dropped off at my parent's house and we were going back to work. By month six, we were invincible, Mason was sleeping through the night (waking up here and there for a feeding), we were going out of the house for extended periods of time (required us to pack half our house) and going out to eat. By month 9 it felt as though Mason had been here the whole time, we did some much required "sleep training" that turned into Mason sleeping 10 plus hours a night and on a solid schedule. Pros!

                                                

Today, Mason turns the big ONE and we could not be prouder of the son that God has given us or happier that we were chosen to be his parents. I understand why parents choose to have more kids; you just can't buy happiness like this. Our most joyous moments come from experiencing that first smile or their first steps.

Mason rounded off his first year by showing off a little of his new found toddlerhood, he walks very well now- still encounters the occasional balance fight but these are less so each week. He also walks well with shoes and he's desperate to run and jump (in fact, the only times he falls is when he's trying to run).
During the twelve month doctor check up we were advised that we had a tall boy in our hands, Mason is in the 100th percentile for height and I fully expect him to be tall and probably surpass me by the time he's 10- I'll still be his dad.

What amazes me about going through this experience is realizing how much our life has changed over the past year and yet it takes a force that exist in becoming parents to make it happen. We find ourselves not caring about a single thing we used to do prior to Mason being born (i.e., sleeping in, having time to relax, watching tv as loud as we wanted, free time, social time). We also found ourselves wanting to be healthy because Mason needs us to be healthy and to be here in his life to protect him and love him for as long as possible.

We celebrated Mason's first birthday with friends and family. Mason enjoyed having cake, getting loved on and more! His birthday party was a Mickey mouse club house type theme with a great cake that everyone loved. We catered chick-fil a because Mason loves chicken nuggets. We hung pictures of his first year throughout. Although Mason will never remember this day, he will know that we celebrated his life and all of his accomplishments.

We are so thankful for this first year of Mason's life.

The day after his party we went to get pictures taken with the amazing Becky Danzenbaker. What was even more amazing is that she also did Mason's newborn shots.

Letters to Mason: Eleven Months

 

Little man, eleven months!!! one month to go and you are going to be a year old!  

at 10.5 months you took your first steps! and now you're walking across the room and becoming more balanced each day.  This is such a huge milestone and you've done an amazing job at standing up on your own, letting go and walking!

One of your favorite games is to get on top of the couch and play peak-a-boo with us. You laugh so hard when we sneak up on you or chase you. You're a great baby who loves to smile and laugh all the time. Life around here is pretty good these days. You bring us the most joy we've ever experienced!

Mason, you love books! I have never seen a baby who loves books more than you. You have an entire routine prior to bedtime which consists of bath and reading.  We often go through five plus books prior to you deciding its time to go to bed. You love any book that has the touch textures. The Osbourne books are some of your favorites! You are a a great sleeper and go down at 7 and up around 6. You also take about two naps a day.

Now that you're walking, you're unstoppable. You like to go everywhere and you don't like to be held all the time. You truly enjoy your newly found individuality.

Toddler hood has brought on some interesting times. Most of the time you have an amazing, sweet disposition; at this age we've started to see some other sides of your personality as well. You definitely understand the word "no" and sometimes you like to test us. You love to empty drawers and pull down anything within your reach. I can only imagine what is to come as you gain more freedom. We turned the living room into your play room which has given you an area to play and learn to walk.

changing your diaper is anyone's guess as to how it will go. You truly dislike to be still on your back and thus making the whole process a little more fun.

Playing with your friend Emmett on a playdate

 

Your first time having grilled cheese. You loved it!

Letters to Mason: Ten Months

Ten whole months and it feels like you were born yesterday. I'm sure you'll hear that a lot coming from us. This month we realized that there is such a small amount of time that is actually spent taking care of a new born, then an infant and as I'm sure a toddler. We've been trying to cherish every possible moment with you, Mason. You did so much this month, such as getting so much better at doing your assisted walking. You practically run people over with it, you're also extremely fast at crawling! People always comment at what a fast crawler you are.

 

Buddy, you're are growing so quickly!  You are acting like a toddler, minus the walking bit. You are a chatter box and are often repeating everything we say in ways you can figure out how. You are extremely attentive to your surroundings and love to explore; we have to be very diligent with you because you like to put everything in your mouth. You love playing with your ball pit and your collection of little people.

 

 

This month you went on your first swing in the park! you loved riding it and being pushed as you laughed every time we pushed you. You're such an amazing little man and you are so loved by everyone around you. Your grandparents bought you this amazing play set in the backyard and now you get to enjoy your swing every day! You love it more and more each time.

You have had a month filled with play dates! Your friends Eli, Emmett and your friend Lexi as well. You have learned to play well with other kids and you love chasing each other. You even enjoyed being on this grown up blow up fun house that we got for your up coming birthday!

 

 Mason, you cut a seventh tooth this month and you sure seem to use them as you love to eat!

 

Our little boy, you're the so loved! you have made your mommy and I so very proud. We have spent a lot of time exploring with you, going to Disney, going to the pool, the park and simply building memories. You have defined what home is for us and that's wherever you are. As you enter 10 months of life, we are reminded that we have a lifetime of memories to share and build with you. We love you so much!

Letters to Mason: Nine Months

So here we are at 9 months since our little Mason came into this world. This is my favorite age so far- seeing how much he's grown and how his little personality has started to come out. Up to this point we've been parenting, reading books/articles, etc and the past month has been the ultimate wing it attitude in the Tezna household. We've been so busy with travel and life that we've had little to no time to do simple things like write down which tooth Mason is cutting (he's cutting his 7th!) and what food he's had that he likes and doesn't like, printing out pictures for his baby book, etc. When I ask myself why we're so busy it reminds me that we have formed this perfect schedule and routine and its so tightly packed that we are exhausted from it at the end of the day and with no time to do anything else. No worries, Mason just grows while we blink and he doesn't much care for our routine or schedule.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Mason has kept us busy! Now that he is mobile (as in we now chase after him while he crawls runs at the speed of light ) we seem to spend more time making sure he's not getting into anything he shouldn't, baby proofing that one thing we forgot about (oh what pilot light in the gas fireplace that he insists on sticking his little tiny finger through to touch it?). Additionally, bed time is certainly not what it used to be, he is so interested in everything around him that it is a solid 30min to an hour long process to get him to settle down (thankfully we got black out shades and a sound machine to help with this). One more fun little tidbit: changing Mason's diaper has now become a mission impossible in which it takes two people army. We'll be steam cleaning our carpets several times a year now...

Mason's personality, as I was saying, has started to show and it's starting to give us a glimpse of what to expect for him as a toddler and boy we are excited and terrified. His emotions are also exaggerated (cue extreme screaming because we are changing his diaper or because we took a toy away because he insists on carrying it with him to bed).

But through all of that we are seeing this sweet, loving, fun little boy who loves to play and laugh. -this is where it all stops and nothing else matters. That smile, that dimple, that wet slobbery kiss you get after he's had a mouthful of prunes, yea, that's love. In all seriousness though, books and apps about development don't do justice to what you actually experience as your little, once inactive and unresponsive, child is suddenly giving back three fold in love and affection. I never imagined how proud I could be upon seeing my son learning to crawl, or getting up on his own (yea we do that now). It's hard to leave in the morning knowing that you'll miss something or that you wont be the recipient of every smile for that day.

This month, Mason started eating solids, actual solids... some of his favorite dishes are mac and cheese, anything pasta, and all fruits. We started letting him try and explore with different flavors and allowing him to try eating with his own hands which he's getting better at the hand mouth coordination daily. We've also started sitting him down with us at dinner, and he loves that. Something about being at the same height as the rest of us...

 

Mason took his third trip do Disney making him I'm sure the only infant with that many flight miles under his belt (he has two more flights scheduled this year). Freaked out as we were because of his new found ability to move and scream when not happy, he proved to be the best behaved child on that flight. He may have laughed harder than some people wanted to hear but it beats screaming in your ear for two hours. To the three hundred people on our flight, you're welcome. Disney was a blast with him this time around. He was eating up all the character visits. He loved "kissing" the characters on the nose ( little did they know he is teething and just wanted to chomp down on something) and he loved the rides. He enjoyed going on the stroller and going around to the parks, we took many breaks, ate well and enjoyed a sunny week in florida. Traveling is getting easier because we've gotten "good" at it not necessarily because its easy to travel with a 9 month old. He slept "ok" in his sleeper and overall did a great job at keeping up with us and us with him.

 

While at Disney, we scheduled for Mason to get first haircut at the Harmony Barbershop in the Magic Kingdom. They have a "first haircut" package which included a very knowledgeable stylist who knew just what to do to keep Mason entertained while she cut his hair (covered him in Mickey stickers which he then attempted to peel all of them one by one).

Mason's physical development is an all time high, trying to walk by holding onto furniture, trying his luck at letting go of one hand and learning to get back down. One good thing about our sudden ultra vigilant vision is that we don't miss anything he does! Mason also got to go on his first swing ride, one of many firsts this month.

 

Life is complete in our house, we love spending time watching him do everything for the first time and learning mountains of information by the day. We're so incredibly blessed and know that we're lucky to have been chosen to be the parents of this child and we can only but pray that we have the ability and love to show Mason how to be a good, humble and loving man.